CANADA – Reports are coming in from across the nation confirming that, despite taking more than enough time, Canada’s fathers have yet to exit the bathroom.
“We don’t want to alarm anyone, but they could be doing anything in there,” said Health Canada official, Rebecca Nguyen. “Whittling, building model airplanes, re-reading books about 20th century wars. Whatever they’re up to, clearly they’ve completely forgotten that the outside world exists.”
Reactions across Canada have been varied. Sons in Alberta are merely flabbergasted, saying they have no idea what could be taking so long. However, a state of emergency was nearly declared in New Brunswick, until moms realized that Cynthia could just get a ride to rehearsal from her brother instead.
“We’re in the weeds here,” says Mikey Allen, a son. “School starts in 20 minutes and we’ve got nothing.”
Occasional noises, mostly grunts and splashes, could be heard from outside the door. Despite this, all attempts at communication have failed.
“He keeps saying ‘in a minute.’ Does he think we’re goddamn idiots?” said wife and mother Doreen Wilkinson. “The Smiths are getting here in ten minutes and he’s probably in there reading his Dad magazines. If that bastard isn’t out of there in 20 seconds I’m canceling all his subscriptions: Mustache World, Pointless Anecdote, Car Thoughts, the Ugly Footwear Catalog, and Overcooked BBQ Monthly.”
At press time, the dads had emerged, chuckling, warning their families “not to go in there for a while.”
