TORONTO – Despite being removed every night by janitorial staff, Doug Ford continues to tape a handwritten sign on his office door that reads ‘Mayor of Toronto.’
“At first I thought it was a joke,” stated Dean French, Doug Ford’s chief of staff. “But then he started doing it every day. One time I came in and he was just staring at it, smiling. He owns a printing company, I don’t get why it is handwritten. At least he finally learned how to spell mayor.”
Sources within cabinet have revealed that, in addition to the Premier micromanaging the number of Toronto city councillors and the redevelopment of Ontario Place, he continually asks if Thunder Bay is near the Danforth and mistakes Kingston for Kingston Rd. Ford has also kept his mailing address at Toronto city hall and goes down their 3 times a week to collect mail and “just check up on the place.”
“One time during a meeting for improving access to healthcare in northern Ontario, we spent most of the time listening to him talk about how he could beat John Tory in various feats of strength,” stated government spokesperson Jeff Silverstein. “I had to tell him the $630 million Northern Highways Program connected to Bloor St or else he would kind of zone out.”
“But at least I’m not one of the poor bastards who have to create those Ontario News Now videos.”
“Premier means first, ipso facto I get the first pick of which city I want to be Mayor of,” stated Ford. “I’m the first mayor, or as it says on my letterhead, the Pre-Mayor.”
The premiers office later clarified the Premier’s position, noting that the premier doesn’t see Toronto as more important but rather the whole province as part of one big mega-city, also called Toronto. The premiers office then set out a new geographic regions for the province which defined Windsor as ‘the west end’, Ottawa as ‘the east end’ and Winisk River Provincial Park as ‘North York’.
At press time, Doug Ford has started using gorilla grip to make the sign harder to take off.
