BROSSARD, QC – Amidst ongoing speculation over who will be cast as the titular character in the next James Bond film, one local man has offered his take on the issue by suggesting that Mr. Bond absolutely cannot be black, despite simultaneously believing that Jesus Christ of Nazareth was a fair skinned, white man.
“James Bond was born from a Scottish father and a Swiss mother, which means he obviously was a white man,” stated Eli Telvere, a self proclaimed 007 superfan who owns artwork depicting the middle-eastern born Jesus Christ as a pale white man with flowing, silky, sandy hair. “It’s such bullshit that everyone wants to recast every great white male character. First Dr. Who, and all four Ghostbusters become women, and now they want to make James Bond black? Soon all us white dudes will have no one left to represent us.”
Mr. Telvere states that he has watched every James Bond movie over a dozen times, making him an expert on the character and changing the appearance of Mr. Bond would be an unforgivable travesty. He claims that he has been going to church every Sunday and praying to a pale as porcelain Jesus that this casting does not happen.
“James Bond has always looked the same,” continued Eli. “Even though the character has been portrayed by many different actors and should realistically be into his eighties by now, James Bond has a defined look. First this and then they’ll want to make ScarJo’s Ghost in the Shell Japanese or something.”
While no announcement has been made yet on the casting choice for the next James Bond, it was recently announced that the next actor to portray Jesus Christ will be Michael Cera. There were no complaints.
