TORONTO — The Conservative Leadership Convention has officially commenced in Ontario’s capital and attendees are waiting with great anticipation for the most important event during the two-day conference: the Candidates Swimsuit Competition.
“The speeches and debates and meetings and musical performances are all really great. But everyone knows that the leader is almost always decided based on who wins the swimsuit portion of the convention,” said John Thorvald, the organizer for this year’s convention, “You think Stephen Harper won based on his strong economic policies and foreign affairs bona fides? No, it was his absolutely stunning two piece halter top Chanel bikini.”
Rumours have already begun swirling as to what the convention-goers can expect to see on display when the prospective leaders take the stage in their swimwear. Andrew Scheer staffers have suggested that he has narrowed it down to a blue V-plunge one-piece with mesh cut-out around the mid-section or a classic men’s Vilebrequin swim trunks look with matching flip-flops, each of which he believes demonstrates that national security is the most vital issue for Canada today. For his part, Erin O’Toole has already publically revealed that he will be sporting a conservative tankini look to best convey the importance of family values.
“I definitely don’t make up my mind until I see what gorgeous swimsuits the candidates bust out on convention day,” admitted Laura St. Clair, a registered Conservative voter, “Everyone knows that Kevin O’Leary was a front-runner until those photos leaked of him in that garish camo front-clasp and thong combo he was planning on wearing. How could anyone take his indigenous affairs platform seriously after seeing him in that?”
Of course, all eyes are on current favourite, Maxime Bernier, and what he will be wearing. Official tweets from his campaign office have hinted that he’ll likely wear a purple bandeau to show off his close ties to Quebec interests and glorious shoulders. However, he is leaving his choice of bottoms to be a surprise with everything from board shorts, to a G-string, and even possibly a skort in the running.
“There are two things you can be certain about Maxime,” said Kory Teneycke, former Sun News VP and advisor to the Bernier campaign, “he’s the candidate that Canada needs right now to stop Trudeau and he’s got calves that won’t quit.”
At press time, Kellie Leitch was spotted frantically running down the aisles of a local Walmart trying to find a swimsuit that effectively covered up her tattoo of an immigrant being denied entry to Canada on her lower back.
