REGINA – A study conducted by scientists at the University of Regina has found that a full 75% of the items found in the nation’s parents’ cupboards serve the sole purpose of making the evacuation of their bowels easier.
“It is normal for people in this age bracket to possess some digestive aids, with perhaps some supplements to ease constipation,” said Dr. Lindsay Waxman of the University of Regina’s gastroenterology. “But this – this is ridiculous.”
“And the fridge may as well just be called the probiotic yogurt container, because that’s the only thing in there!”
Scientists stated that while in households of people under 55 the majority of jars and plastic containers are used to contain items such as mustard, pickles, or peanut butter, in elderly parents house such items are instead used almost exclusively to store a mysterious substance known only as ‘Bran.’
Experts say they were surprised by how many items that initially appeared to be food, such as granola bars, cereal, and “even brownies for chrissake” still contained the words ‘flax’ or ‘regular’ “written on there somewhere.”
But according to Waxman, these were not the most startling findings. “What’s more disturbing is that this is all there is. Where the hell is the actual food?”
The report also concluded that a full 93% of the items in the nation’s students cupboards were intended to be consumed while high.
