DETROIT – Detroit, capital of the automotive industry, became the largest city in the history of the United States to declare bankruptcy on Thursday, shocking those who assumed the city had gone bankrupt decades ago.
“So, you’re telling me all this shit happened in a city that was financially solvent?” asked local grocer Kevin Jones, standing across from a house that had been on fire for well over 3 hours.
“I kind of figured 8 years ago when I called 911, no one answered and an automated voice message said that the person I was trying to reach had not set up their voicemail feature, that maybe a chapter 11 filing was already in the works,” he added.
Analysts have speculated about the city’s ability to stave off bankruptcy for as long as it has, attributing it mainly to the city managers forgetting to file the necessary paperwork, which was filled out in 1964.
School teacher Marion Best said, had she known the city was technically not broke, she would have asked them to fix the 4.5 foot hole in the ceiling of her grade 3 classroom.
“Or at least put up some netting, so bats would stop flying in and eating the children’s lunches.”
The city faces a likely challenge to its plan from the public service employees and retirees whose benefits and pensions are now in jeopardy, including the monthly stipend they previously received for being willing to live and work in Detroit.
At press time, Detroit’s move had apparently inspired other cities to take similar steps. The city of Vancouver was in the process of formally declaring itself pretentious.
