ST. CATHERINE’S, ON – Well over 20 people were reported dead last night, with countless more hospitalized, after the rancid, green meat served at O’Malley’s Irish Bar and Grill was mistakenly assumed to be a St. Patrick’s Day special by holiday revellers, who proceeded to order it en mass.
“I was just minding my business, drinking my dyed green beer and wearing a shirt that said ‘Kiss my blarney stone!’” said Henry Rousseau in between vomiting spells. “And I looked over and saw that my buddy Greg’s chicken fajitas had arrived, and the chicken was dyed green just like my beer!”
Rousseau immediately ordered and devoured some chicken fingers that came out tinged “a pale green, kind of similar in colour to a dying shrubbery.” However, he was far from the only patron to believe the discolouration was part of a brilliant marketing strategy on the part of O’Malleys.
“I just assumed the sickly vomit colour of my club sandwich was in honour of that miracle St. Patrick performed by dying Ireland green to get rid of the snakes and turn everyone Christian,” said Justin Donaldson, who identified himself as one fourth Irish.
For their part, the staff at O’Malleys admitted they were shocked by the sudden popularity in the food. “To be frank, we don’t usually sell a lot of meals because the owner buys his meat products from a Serbian slaughterhouse that also specializes in solid waste removal services,” said line cook Frank Mitchell.
Though it remains too early to comprehend the full effects of the devastation this incident will have on the town going forward, sources are reporting that, already, citizens are becoming paranoid about what they are to do if offered anything orange to eat next Halloween.
