TORONTO – Since taking the Maple Leafs GM position just a few days ago, Dave Nonis has implemented sweeping changes to improve the struggling organization, most notably cutting waste, re-engineering HR, and slowly dismantling hockey operations altogether.
“This club should be more focused on what we do well,” said Nonis at a press conference earlier this week, “and based on our record over the past 9 years we feel that hockey is a bit of a dead-end. We were never going to win the cup, but with some hard work and discipline we may just be able to crack into the North American smartphone market.”
The sudden shift in priorities resulted in the controversial trade of Phil Kessel to the Red Wings for three fax machines, a photocopier and a palette of white printer paper. The transaction has been heavily criticized by some.
“What do these idiots think they’re doing?!” said CBC hockey analyst Don Cherry, “if you’re trying to go wireless why are you trading a 80-point per season forward for dying technology? Photocopiers? A fax machine?! Plus, look at the Red Wings defensive situation! Nonis probably could have gotten a satellite in geostationary orbit just for Dion Phaneuf!”
Some players, while surprised, have welcomed the opportunity to try something, anything, other than hockey. Assistant captains Mikhail Grabovski and Mike Komisarek were found milling about the MLSE server room asking engineers to explain “the internet” while Nikolai Kulemin was spotted boning up on his electrical engineering between reps at the gym.
Nonis’ strategy has inspired other sports teams to try their luck with alternative industries. At press time the Pittsburgh Pirates had purchased 10,000 head of cattle and the Cleveland Browns were converting their stadium into a giant parking lot for the Ohio State Buckeyes.
