EDMONTON – As part of Alberta’s efforts to prevent minors from viewing books with sexual content, the province has announced a buyback of all restricted and challenging literature.
“From A Handmaid’s Tale to Handy With the Maid’s Tail, we’ll buy your smut back, no questions asked,” said Minister of Education and Childcare Demetrios Nicolaides. “Alberta’s degenerates will be fairly compensated for keeping our province free of ickiness.”
Critics have argued that, while the buyback may get some books off the streets, serious readers could simply swap covers, file off ISBN numbers, or even 2D print books at home.
“If only bad guys have books with sexual content, then the good guys will have to settle for, like, Dan Brown,” said one opposition MLA. “And Dan Brown sucks.”
However, the Alberta government insists that such measures are necessary to keep the province’s streets safe for minors to stumble around while they scroll aimlessly through their phones instead of reading.
“What if an impressionable young boy were to wander through a dark alley and encounter a copy of Heartstopper?” Nicolaides said. “Yes, that’s right: he might learn something about himself or other people. Your United Conservative government will not stand for such empathy.”
In a press conference, Premier Danielle Smith told reporters that the buyback will keep teenagers from going down the wrong path.
“Young Albertans should have better things to do than read,” Smith said. “Sure, it starts with wondering if a graphic novel might mention handies, but the next thing you know you’re nose-deep in Cervantes. Frankly, I consider reading one our greatest threats.”
Albertans are divided on the buyback, with some looking forward to profiting from old books they’re not reading anyway, and others decrying the loss of books they say they could use safely and responsibly.
“Without books, I’ll only be exposed to sex through social media, pornography, TV and movies, Wikipedia, gossip at school, my weird older cousin, and an old magazine I stole from a flea market,” said a Calgary high school student. “But those are probably all better sources.”
At press time, Premier Smith was rushed away from her press conference after someone in the audience was spotted wielding an Alison Bechdel memoir.
