OTTAWA – Canada’s economy, which has spent the year reeling due to American tariffs, is finishing the year strong thanks to the country’s new chief export, the gay hockey-romance drama Heated Rivalry.
The series, which premiered on Canada’s Crave streaming service before becoming a global sensation on America’s HBO Max, has gone on to completely upend all 2026 economic forecasts.
Economists had predicted challenging times ahead as Canada pivots strategies on exports such as oil, potash, and softwood lumber, yet all of those have been eclipsed by a 6-episode series centred on steamy sex between two very fuckable athletes.
“It turns out that the most profitable economic engine of Canada is not resource extraction, or even housing speculation,” explains Prof. Wilbur Greenfield, Chair of the McGill Economics Dept, “but it’s actually bingeable TV featuring two smoking hot hockey players just going to town on each other.”
Greenfield added, “I’m confident Milton Friedman would be proud. And horny!”
In a recent year-end interview, Prime Minister Mark Carney outlined Canada’s new “Heated Rivalry-forward” economic strategy.
“In these turbulent times, it turns out that the one product the entire world cannot get enough of are two gorgeous, sweaty twunks groping each other in tasteful-yet-titillating frequent sex scenes,” Carney noted.
The PM then outlined a Memorandum of Understanding on how Canada would reorient towards expanded Heated Rivalry industries, including merchandise, LGBTQ tourism, and an expanded Heated Rivalry Cinematic Universe.
“We project Canada’s GDP will grow from 1.5% to at least 56%, provided we can sustain the same amount of growth between Shane and Ilya in the locker room, if you catch my drift,” Carney added, attempting but failing to wink suggestively.
At press time, NHL owners, commentators, and fans, all of whom constantly cite the need to bring new viewers to the sport, have still refused to acknowledge the existence of any hockey-related streaming shows whatsoever.
