PALO ALTO, CA – A group of Silicon Valley tech CEOs assure North Americans that job losses from artificial intelligence could easily be mitigated by universal basic income, while also adding that they will stop any UBI plans at all costs.
“I know that people are scared of AI, which nobody asked for, destroying jobs,” explained OpenAI CEO Sam Altman. “That’s why I’m asking all you little people out there to focus instead on how UBI could supplement lost income and allow workers to enter a golden age of leisure time and artistic pursuits. I mean, we billionaires are never going to let that happen, but we’d still rather you focus on that.”
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg “It’ll frankly make it a lot easier to turn you all into powerless feudal serfs if you’re focused on a pipe dream fiscal policy that we’re going to lobby into oblivion.”
Reports show a consistent trend of tech CEOs responding to interview questions about AI-fuelled layoffs with a consistent “We’ll do UBI probably”. When pressed to elaborate on this complicated economic plan, most CEOs answer by bragging about the Hawaiian island they just bought, repeating the previous answer louder, or demonstrating an AI deepfake of your mom committing a hate crime.
“AI will be the most powerful and lucrative technological force the world has ever known,” explained xAI CEO Elon Musk between ketamine bumps, “and taxing AI profits at even a minimal rate could easily provide stable universal income for every human on the planet.”
“Or, we could just keep all that money to build better-reinforced doomsday bunkers to keep out all you unemployed rabble, so we’re gonna do that instead. Good luck!”
In lieu of Universal Basic Income, Silicon Valley has announced plans to have AI chatbots give better instructions on how to commit suicide.
