TALLAHASSEE, FL – Ghislaine Maxwell, former girlfriend of financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, has reportedly offered up a list of 100 names of individuals who are connected to the crimes of disgraced financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.
During a meeting with Deputy Attorney General and former Donald Trump personal attorney Todd Blanche, Maxwell reportedly volunteered the 100 names as part of a bid for a new trial or possibly a presidential pardon.
While Maxwell remains in custody, The Beaverton has obtained the list of 100 names whom she claims may be implicated in the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein:
1. Barack Obama
2. Definitely NOT Donald Trump, of whom Jeffrey Epstein often said “I wish Donald Trump would stop foiling my plans to do pedophile crimes!”
3. Bill Clinton
4. Hillary Clinton
5. Chelsea Clinton
6. Socks the cat
7. Rosie O’Donnell
8. Stephen Colbert
9. Rachel Maddow
10. Barack Hussein Obama
11. Joe Biden
12. Hunter Biden
13. Joe Biden’s wife
14. Justin Trudeau
15. Mark Carney
16. Trey Parker
17. Matt Stone
18. Cartman from South Park
19-30. the starting lineup of the 2018 Philadelphia Eagles who refused to come to the White House
31. Barack Obama
32. Liz Cheney
33. Robert Mueller
34. everyone that works at NPR
35. Kamala Harris
36. woke Superman
37. Nancy Pelosi
38. Jack Smith
39. Mark Milley
40. Letitia James
41. Adam Schiff
42. Anderson Cooper
43. you guessed it… Barack Obama
44. Elmo
45. John Bolton
46. Anthony Fauci
47. Seth Meyers
48. Jimmy Kimmel
49. Michelle Obama
50. also Barack Obama
51. Kristen Stewart
52. George W. Bush
53. Dick Cheney
54. the woke Pope
55. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was a major Epstein co-conspirator from 1995-99
56. Bruce Springsteen
57. Taylor Swift
58. Beyoncé
59. Chris Christie
60. Bono
61. Oprah Winfrey
62. “Barry O”, aka, Barack Obama
63. James Comey
64. Warionald Trump, evil twin of Donald Trump who is often mistaken for him in photographs
65. Sonia Sotomayor
66. that nerd Ezra Klein
67. Prince Andrew (some of these have to be real)
68. Whoever discontinued St. Tropez Orange Spray Tan No. 4
69. Central Park Five #1
70. Central Park Five #2
71. Central Park Five #3
72. Central Park Five #4
73. Central Park Five #5
74. Leona Helmsley
75. Stephen King
76. Stormy Daniels
77. E. Jean Carroll
78. Tony Schwartz
79. Alec Baldwin
80. the guy who played Biff Tannen in Back To The Future Part II
81. Ivana Trump
82. the cast of Saturday Night Live circa 2016-2025
83. Jon Leibowitz, aka “Jon Stewart”
84. Bill Gates
85. Anthony Blinken
86. Mike Pompeo
87. Adam Kinzinger
88. everyone who ever attended Harvard University
89. Kilmar Abrego Garcia
90. Barack Obama
91. Barack Obama
92. Barack Obama
93. Barack Obama
94. Barack Obama
95. Barack Obama
96. Barack Obama
97. Barack Obama
98. Barack Obama
99. Barack Obama
100. Alan Dershowitz, but actually
