OTTAWA – At a recent campaign stop, Prime Minister Mark Carney admitted to being genuinely puzzled why more cash-strapped young Canadians aren’t using elite asset management firms to maximize their offshore investments.
“I keep hearing from millennial Canadians that they cannot afford houses, or rent, or gum,” explained a puzzled Carney, “but why haven’t they used their excess wealth, which I assume they all have, to establish a complex latticework of international financial holdings?”
“Maybe if they parked their savings in Bermuda to avoid paying taxes, they’d be able to afford groceries,” added Carney, legitimately trying to be helpful.
With other candidates campaigning heavily on cost of living issues, PM Carney has responded by explaining how anybody struggling to make ends meet should speak to their own high priced-priced consultants about employing complex pseudo-legal tax avoidance strategies.
“As an incentive, all financially struggling Canadians should speak to my old friends at Brookfield Asset Management,” added Carney magnanimously. “Use the promo code ‘CAPITALGAINS’ for a 10% discount when investing your first $10 million.”
With many young Canadians reporting a lack of financial security necessary to purchase a first home or consider having children, Carney suggested they adopt money-saving strategies, like clipping coupons, or attending the annual World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.
“At this year’s WEF I attended a fascinating lecture on Leveraging Generative AI for Job Augmentation and Workforce Productivity with my good friends Bill Gates, Scrooge McDuck, and Hans-Adam II, the Prince of Liechtenstein,” Carney suggested. “See, global financial literacy can also be a fun day with pals.”
Across the country, Canadians under the age of 45 are responding to Carney’s simple message of “Let’s fight Trump’s tariffs together, by harnessing all Canadians’ substantial investment portfolios.”
Danielle Millbrooks of Winnipeg responds, “Prime Minister Carney is right – it genuinely never had occurred to me to establish a network of shadowy tax havens in order to pay for my son’s braces.”
“When it comes to kitchen table pocketbook issues,” notes Ahmed Choudhury of Kingston, “I definitely trust the guy who has spoken to more billionaires than bus drivers.”
“I wonder if Mr. Carney can help me to invest the $5 I still have in my Leo the Lion RBC Savings account,” notes Phillip Hu of Halifax.
At press time, Prime Minister Carney reportedly spit out his glass of water upon discovering that most Canadians have not yet ridden in the new G800 Gulfstream jet.
