WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an explosive White House meeting that saw President Trump berate the visiting Ukrainian president and push Russian talking points, Zelenskyy opined that the entire dishonourable spectacle could easily have been an email.
After flying ten hours from Kyiv to Washington D.C. only to be confronted on live television by Kremlin propaganda and screaming American politicians, Ukrainian president Zelenskyy has suggested all parties re-examine their inter-office communications.
“I have a lot on my to-do list this week, what with being under active invasion by a neighbouring nuclear superpower,” noted Zelenskyy as he boarded a plane back to Ukraine. “So I’m pretty sure this meeting’s naked mendacity and utter capitulation to Vladimir Putin could have been more efficiently captured in a loathsome and unhinged email.”
“Or maybe even a Microsoft Teams conversation, if Trump wanted to add some ‘red faced screaming’ emojis,” mused Zelenskyy.
Zelenskyy further pointed to the inclusion of an insufferably smug Vice President JD Vance as a reason for the disgusting meeting to be relegated to an embarrassing email.
“While a written email might not have been able to capture your Vice President Vance’s insufferably smug tone, it would have allowed him to hit ‘reply all’ and CC his answers directly to his master Peter Thiel.”
Zelensky suggested that a hypothetically efficient email could have read: “Dear Volodymyr, we are pulling all US military support for Ukraine because our administration has been personally bribed by Russian President Putin, and because Trump still wants revenge for the time you refused to open a sham investigation into Joe Biden and he got himself impeached. The End.”
“See how succinct that could’ve been?” Zelenskyy added.
Asked whether moving the reprehensible meeting to an appalling email would have prevented bad faith questions about Zelenskyy’s wardrobe from the guy currently fucking Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene, the Ukrainian leader noted, “No, they probably still would’ve asked, but at least it wouldn’t have taken up my entire workday.”
With that, Zelenskyy departed on his long return journey, explaining that he has plenty Kremlin stooges threatening his nation’s sovereignty at home.
Back in the Oval Office, President Trump hailed the disgusting meeting as an unrivalled success which definitely benefitted from being face to face.
“The truth is, I don’t really do a lot around here, presidentially. I leave that to Elon and the Project 2025 nerds,” explained Trump. “So having Volodymyr shlep halfway around the world really filled up my day and made it look productive.”
“Besides,” Trump added, “if this meeting had been an email, it wouldn’t have contained the face to face cruelty and implicit extortion of his country’s mineral resources. You can’t get that in an email.”
Asked whether his resistance to email communication could be explained by a personal lack of functional literacy, Trump responded by screaming for 40 minutes straight about Hunter Biden, windmills, and Pete Rose.
