WASHINGTON D.C. – Asked about his earlier comments regarding Canada becoming the 51st state, President Donald Trump clarified that Canada needs America to offer it protection from hostile aggressor nations like America.
Following the Trump administration’s abrupt shift in diplomatic policy, the president insisted that this is exactly why Canada needs his nation’s protection.
“I know it seems far-fetched, but imagine if some country went completely rogue and started threatening Canada,” explained Trump from the Oval Office. “This terrifying war-mongering nation might even be one that had previously been allies with Canada, perhaps even for over a century.”
“It’s even entirely possible that a neighbouring country could elect a dementia-riddled convicted felon who could start threatening pointless tariffs, hinting that he want to crash your economy, or even suggest invading militarily. Imagine that.”
The president then pointed to a large infographic of Canada, where the label ‘Project 2025’ had been crossed out and ‘NORMAL CHART’ had been written in sharpie.
“As you see, Canada has almost no military capability to defend itself, at least not against another country that sits directly on its borders and spends $876 billion dollars a year on defense. That’s why they need our protection,” Trump added, before clarifying that the price of US military protection would now include increased oil, potash, and turning the CN Tower into a Trump hotel.
To further outline Canada’s need for US military assistance, Trump then introduced Vito “The Icepick” Cortzellungo, his newly-confirmed Secretary of Collections And Kneecap Breaking.
“Mr. Trump and I known each other since way back in our legitimate construction days,” explained Sec. Cortzellungo. “And this Canada situation is just like that. Lookin’ around at all your maple trees and beavers and whatnot, it’s a beautiful country you got up there. Be a shame if somethin’ happened to it.”
President Trump then abruptly ended the press conference, explaining that “Elon said I could only use the Oval for half an hour”. As he shuffled out of the office, Trump addressed reporters one final time:
“Let’s cut the bullshit. I want Canada to pay up or I’ll hurt them – it’s as simple as that.” Trump continued, “American doesn’t even really need the money. I just personally cannot experience anything approaching joy unless I’m inflicting suffering on somebody else who can’t fight back.”
“So write whatever the fuck you need to. Say it’s about fentanyl or trade surpluses or whatever nonsense helps you pundits sleep at night. I’m a god on Earth and nobody can stop me, and I get off on that. The end.”
At press time Prime Minister Trudeau politely confirmed his commitment to bilateral diplomacy, while also quietly ordering Canadian citizens to sharpen all hockey sticks into defensive weapons.
