QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford won a commanding majority government this week when his Progressive Conservative party got almost half of the votes cast by the almost half of the electorate who even bothered.
“Folks, this is a monumental accomplishment!” declared the Premier. “Every time my name has appeared on the ballot, Ontarians have been less and less interested in voting. That work culminated tonight with a very comfortable win in an election nobody wanted and even fewer people cared about.”
The Progressive Conservatives will now use their “powerful, robust mandate”, featuring the support of 1 in 6 Ontarians, if that, to continue the Premier’s work of selling off public goods, spending billions to pave the Greenbelt, and quietly hoping Donald Trump will say nice things about him.
“We really outdid ourselves this time, folks,” Ford told a modest election night crowd dominated by his business associates and family who couldn’t make alternate plans. “A snap election in the snowiest month in a decade? When attention is all on hockey and national politics? And when we didn’t even release a platform until the week of the vote? We’re geniuses. Every time there’s an election about nothing, Doug Ford’s going to win!”
The election results show, at press time, a plurality of about 40% for the Premier’s party, translating to about 75% of the seats in Ontario’s Provincial Parliament. Turnout will likely end up even lower than last election, somewhere around 40%.
“I would like to thank that forty percent of forty percent of Ontario,” said Ford. “They now get 100% of the say on which of my friends get to build a condo on the corpse of the Science Centre. They’re the real heroes tonight.”
Premier Ford will now turn to deal with the trade dispute with the United States, joined by the Federal Liberal government, winners of two consecutive elections where the runners-up got more votes.
