ETOBICOKE, ON — After his Conservative party was officially re-elected with a majority vote this evening, Doug Ford celebrated his win by immediately hopping in his car, tearing down University Avenue, and obliterating SickKids hospital.
“Folks, the people of Ontario have voted… Or, in this case, not voted… and they have made their voices very clear,” the premier said, moments after gleefully taking a sledgehammer to a life-saving MRI machine. “They told me that they think I’m on the right track; and in this case, the right track is continuing to destroy the province’s healthcare system, one hospital at a time.”
The premier took a second to douse the entire emergency ward in gasoline and set it on fire, before returning to the press conference being held on the crumbled remains of a wheelchair ramp. “I am also extremely excited to announce, and you heard it here first, folks, that every family doctor’s office I come across will immediately be taken over and converted into a Beer Store. This will cost taxpayers five billion dollars.”
Doug Ford’s Chief of Staff, Patrick Sackville, was happy to elaborate on other healthcare-related initiatives that the Ford government would be undertaking now that they had been re-elected in an election most people didn’t even know was happening.
“We have big plans for long-term care homes,” Sackville enthused, looking up from his desk where he was calling every single nurse in the province to let them know they were fired. “Now, if you want grandma or grandpa to get a spot in a facility, they’ve gotta put in at least 200 hours helping to build the tunnel under the 401, or 300 hours if they want to live in one where they won’t be left to die during the next pandemic.”
“We are so thankful that we didn’t give the other parties enough time to get their shit together for this election, and even more thankful that half of Ontario is currently buried in snow. So on behalf of private healthcare workers everywhere, trust that we sincerely cannot wait to bury the province in medical debt.”
At press time, Ford had just promised to turn Sunnybrook Hospital into an amusement park for European billionaires.
