MONTREAL – As Team Canada gets set to play its first game in the inaugural 4 Nations Face-Off, fans across the country are ready to either celebrate a generation-defining victory or dismiss a totally meaningless defeat in a Mickey Mouse marketing stunt we’ll have all forgotten by next week.
“It’s been nearly a decade since the last best-on-best hockey tournament, and Canada needs to prove we’re still the greatest,” said one fan. “But if we don’t then it’s only because some players opted out and the timing was weird and the rules were stupid and only the Olympics count anyway.”
Countless fans have already spent hundreds of dollars on exclusive 4 Nations merchandise that they’ll either treasure forever or dump at the nearest thrift store depending on whether Canada’s goaltending holds up.
“Canada is icing generation-defining players who should completely dominate play, but if they fail then that’s just an indictment of the roster construction and absolutely not a commentary on our national identity,” a TSN analyst said. “I suggest approaching it like the World Championships, where only Europeans really care but we can still get patriotically hammered and mock the nearest Swede if we win.”
While some Canadian fans are willing to begrudgingly acknowledge a potential Swedish or Finnish victory, an American triumph will be collectively purged from national memory faster than Andrew Scheer.
“Given how America is treating us these days, it will feel so damn good to celebrate a championship on their own ice,” another fan said. “I can’t wait to rub it in their faces for decades to come, unless I need to deny that I even bothered to watch the game while I tell American fans how sad it is that they have to resort to bragging about such a rinky-dink tournament.”
At press time, Leafs fans were excited about the prospect of finally winning something for once, while also preparing to tar and feather everyone involved if Auston Matthews so much as chips a fingernail.
