WINDSOR, ON – With president Donald Trump threatening to impose blanket 25% tariffs on all goods crossing into the United States, Canadian citizens are hurrying to stockpile illegal American handguns before prices skyrocket.
“I’m stocking up on my usual order of 9mm Glock G19s,” explained Irma MacKenzie, of Windsor. The retired schoolteacher says that while she sympathizes with Canada’s need to defend itself against American tariffs, she worries how this will impact her own purchasing of the thousands of deadly firearms which regularly stream north across the border.
“How will I go to bingo on Saturday if I’m not packing heat,” questions MacKenzie.
With prices potentially set to jump on numerous American-made goods, from US-based streaming services to Florida orange juice to Kentucky bourbon, Canadians report being most concerned about a lack of readily-available and untraceable American handguns.
Roland J. Campbell, an architect in Vancouver, is one such consumer. “My biggest concern is for the poor Hells Angels who work so hard to smuggle my usual order of Colt M1911A1s and SIG Sauer P320s across the border. If these tariffs force them to raise gun prices, it could be a lean year for all outlaw biker gangs.”
While most Canadians have expressed concern over the US tariffs, some have voiced understanding. “President Trump says he has to do this to stop a ‘national security crisis’ at the Canadian Border,” explains Sue Marchand, a florist, as she waits in the shadows at the Coutts-Sweetgrass border crossing. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my seller just arrived with the grenade launcher I ordered.”
With supply chain slowdowns looming for Canadians’ favourite black market murder devices, local contractors are also anticipating a pinch on their own businesses.
“Most of my guys, they get their handguns from down south,” reports Montreal mobster Philipe ‘The Butcher’ Desmarais. “I suppose we could try importing them from overseas, but who wants to deal with all that EU red tape?”
Inspector Gerald Garvais, head of Toronto’s Integrated Gun & Gang Task Force, explains, “A firearm purchased in the United States for $500 can easily sell for up to $5,000 in Canada – which means that everyday Canadian gun nuts could soon start making some serious bank.”
Garvais adds, “If anyone needs a hookup, DM me. We confiscate literally thousands of firearms crossing the border into Canada every year, and I’m happy to pass those savings on to YOU!”
At press time President Trump has vowed to institute his tariffs on February 1st, or tomorrow, or whenever he thinks it’d be funniest.
