China's new and cheaper magic beans shock America's unprepared magic bean salesmen - The Beaverton

China’s new and cheaper magic beans shock America’s unprepared magic bean salesmen

CITY – ’s bean market is in turmoil after a Chinese company unveiled a competing bean that’s less than one tenth the price but still just as useless.

“DeepBean’s new beans only require a third of the water that American beans need to not grow into anything of value,” an analyst said. “Any serious investor or cow owner would do well to give DeepBean a look.”

American magic bean companies like Beanco, The Boston Bean Company, and Nvidia have already shed hundreds of billions of dollars in stock value as investors contemplate getting their magic beans from overseas.

“Society can’t advance without magic beans to grow into bizarre and ultimately worthless simulacrums of real beanstalks,” one investor said. “If we’re only wasting moderate amounts of water on them instead of massive amounts, that’s a plus.”

While some experts believe a Western bean is now bursting, others see this as a sign to recommit and prevent a disastrous bean gap.

“We simply can’t let China beat us at beans,” a political scientist said. “If they do, anti-wolf housing material will be the next market to fall.”

Meanwhile, some Western bean barons are crying foul at DeepBean, arguing that its product is merely a copy of their own.

took years of hard work for us to steal beans from farmers, apply our unique brand of magic, and seek investment from our nation’s finest rubes and oafs,” a Beanco spokesman said. “Now DeepBean wants to steal our magic beans, rebrand the magic, and get money from their own buffoons and clods? It’s just not right.”

Other bean salesmen believe that, despite DeepBean’s apparent advantages, their product will ultimately triumph.

“I still believe that, five years from now, civilisation will be structured entirely around OpenBean beans,” said bean industry titan Sam Altbean. “I can’t offer any supporting evidence for that, but I do believe it.”

While DeepBean still has its own flaws to address, a representative promised that its beans can already grow anywhere except Tiananmen Square.