REGINA, SK – A new study conducted by researchers at The Littlest Hobo Memorial University has uncovered a starling trend; in 95% of cases, most hero dogs’ attempts to get help are ignored by human authority figures.
“Going back through hundreds of incidents of children having fallen down wells and similar crises, we found that only 5% of dogs that went to alert other humans were taken seriously,” states Dr. Karen Littlewood of LHMU’s Department of Canine Heroics. “And of the few cases where they were, it was because they managed to put their request in writing and file a report, or gathered enough other dogs to assist.”
Even more upsetting is the number of historical cases where a would-be four-legged saviour has been ignored out of bias.
“We compared the number of police reports pertaining to Lassie with a male contemporary named Laddie, and found police acted on Laddie’s intel 4 times as often,” Dr. Littlewood explains. “It is equally upsetting and impressive that the local constables could tell them apart. This might explain why there were so many unsuccessful drug possession charges in those days.”
In the wake of this report, many people who have admitted to disregarding a dog’s attempt to save lives have tried to defend their inaction. Mitchell Knapp, a mine foreman facing harsh criticism for leaving 3 men trapped in a mine shaft despite the efforts of a local Golden Retriever to get his attention, claims there are many other factors to consider.
“It was after 5:00! Do you know how much shit I would get from the union if I called back the crew because a dog wouldn’t leave me alone? I just thought he wanted a treat! Also, why is no one talking about how he still took the treat? Does that sound like a good boy to you?”
When asked what could be done to improve the statistics, Littlewood suggests overcoming the language barrier between dogs and humans may be an important step.
“With the decline of little blond boys that can translate an entire emergency report from two barks of a dog, it’s easy for us to dismiss a hero dog trying to get help as just a yappy pup. If we continue to make strides in the field of interspecies linguistics, then maybe one day we will live in a world where Rex from Hudson and Rex can actually earn that promotion to detective.”
While Canada is not specifically known for heroic dogs, some examples do exist in the country. The most recent example is Muffin of Surrey, BC who helped put a dangerous serial killer away by fetching and bringing admissible evidence to the trial in 2017.
In related news, LHMU has also found that hero cats have a 100% success rate at getting help, but only because they resort to biting.
