COPENHAGEN – An international coalition of scientists with expertise in quantum mechanics, wave theory and atomic structure have assembled at the Nils Bohr Institute to tackle the newly-discovered, deeply troubling temporal paradox that allows people younger than you to have had kids.
The project leader, Dr. Hans Olink, was cautiously optimistic. “Thanks to a generous multilateral endowment from multiple nations, we hope to put this matter to rest and finally give humanity an answer to how anyone younger than you – but especially Katie from work, she’s literally Gen Z for Christ’s sake – could be parents.”
While some are concerned that attempting to solve this metaphysical riddle is an impossible aim because the underlying science has not evolved far enough yet, academics from around the world have applauded the effort.
“There is no doubt that not only has the phenomenon of people younger than you having kids – when you yourself graduated college barely ten years ago – emerged in recent years. It is proliferating beyond what even our most theoretically gifted minds dared to contemplate. While previously believed that you had to at least be old enough to have slow danced to Blue October to reproduce, new reports are showing some individuals young enough to think Chris Pratt is the star of Jurassic Park are having children.”
While seeing people have kids who were grade 10s when you were a grade 11 can be explained away as a rounding error, someone who was a grade 9 when you were in grade 12, scientists warn, might indicate a fundamental rip in the fabric of space and time.
“Some disturbing reports have shown that both Alex AND Amy – yes, the kids you used to BABYSIT! – now have kids of their own. Even though you still get zits sometimes AND you stood in the audience for almost 2 hours at that outdoor music thing your wife made you go to last month.”
While opinions vary when it comes to the method for determining how people younger than you have kids already, most scientists agree that a giant centrifuge will need to be constructed, and that you will need to ride on the outside arm of it, while the children of people who are younger than you form a circle outside and just kind of lean against the edge.
“Truth be told, we’re stabbing in the dark here,” Dr. Olink said after draining a cold cup of coffee and brushing chalk dust off his hands. “The mathematical equations are so complex and so new, they’re almost impossible for human minds to understand,” he added, then stepped back to review three chalkboards’ full of mathematical equations he had been working on non-stop since yesterday.
“My God…” he whispered, chalk falling from his hand. “This shows that people can have children… even if they were born after the last episode of Friends aired — but the models CAN’T support that! GOD AND NATURE HAS ABANDONED US!” he shouted as he fell to his knees and wept.
Yet for all the challenges they face, the scientists remain undaunted by the mysterious, awesome nature of time. A small contingent in Copenhagen is rumoured to be launching an investigation into how somebody as young as you could own a house.
