OTTAWA — Canada’s Air Transport Security Authority has announced that travellers averse to being scanned by invasive technology will now have the option to be gracefully sketched like one of the beautiful French models the security officers have trained on.
“Our machines are safe and non-invasive,” said Nada Semaan, CATSA’s president and CEO. “Their electronic non-ionizing radiation poses no health risks whatsoever. But some of those words are, admittedly, pretty sciencey, so they’ll terrify a portion of the population. Therefore, it’s only fair we offer an alternative, particularly one that seethes with eroticism.”
Travellers choosing this option will be brought to a private room, strip down to nothing except for a valuable necklace or pendant (if they have one), and stretch seductively on a chaise longue. A security officer will then create a full body sketch using charcoal on paper as soft piano music plays from an unknown source.
“These sketches are invaluable to maintaining security at our airports,” said Semaan. “While scanners and pat-downs have their uses, it’s practically impossible to hide any kind of weapon or combustible device while languidly stretching in the buff under the loving gaze of a uniformed agent who makes slightly more than minimum wage.”
The sketch will not be given to the traveller, but will remain locked in a safe that’s certain to withstand all forms of damage for decades to come.
Travellers who choose this service will go on to live full, happy lives, marrying and having children with someone kind and wonderful. But they’ll forget all of that as soon as they die and be transported to a mystical recreation of the airport where they’ll reunite with the artistic security officer they knew for a few hours.
“For anyone with a fear of our scanners causing cardiac arrest,” said Semaan, “this option ensures your heart will go on.”
