WASHINGTON DC – Following an announcement that he has contracted COVID-19 for a second time, US President Biden has assured worried Democratic lawmakers that this diagnosis will not impede his previous strategy of losing the November election by an enormous margin.
With COVID’s side effects known to be particularly severe amongst senior citizens, Biden insisted that re-contracting the illness he himself insisted was “over” meant that he shouldn’t be allowed to blow the entire US election in spectacular fashion.
“Listen up folks, I know a lot of you have been worried about my low polling, or how in the debate I looked like some kind of ‘confused mummy’, but I know that this COVID will not stop me from losing to Donald Trump. You’re welcome,” Biden explained from the Oval Office, before taking his third nap of the day.
With Democratic insiders reportedly pressuring Biden to step down before the Democratic National Convention, Biden insists this new round of COVID has only strengthened his resolve to “hold on til the bitter end, by which of course I mean an electoral blowout by Trump and his Republicans in the Fall.”
“I’ll tell ya the truth, Jack, this COVID can’t stop me and I’ve never been more confident in my ability to shamble along through this election, making every single Democratic voter sick with worry every time I open my mouth from now ’til November 6th, before I completely destroy not only my entire presidential legacy but American democracy itself.”
Biden went on to assure Democrats that even though America will ultimately be overtaken by an authoritarian christofascist regime made up of Project 2025 foot soldiers, amoral tech oligarchs, and a long line of Trump heirs, that he will be long dead before any of that comes to pass, “probably of COVID if I’m being honest”, the president added with a very slow wink.
Biden has reportedly dismissed calls to step aside from numerous high profile Democrats, including Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, most of the house, pundits, donors, and even George Clooney, assuring them all that, “Hunter said it was okay for me to stay in and lose this thing, and I trust that guy’s judgement more than all of you jokers put together.”
Responding to claims that he had promised to exit the race if he were to contract a serious medical condition, or if “the almighty himself gave me a sign”, Biden insisted that this COVID diagnosis didn’t count because it was both of those benchmarks at the same time.
The president then urged his supporters to tune into next month’s Democratic National Convention where he would be even less spry and coherent than normal due to long COVID brain fog.
“It’ll be hilarious,” added Biden, before launching into a 20-minute unrelated anecdote about some guy named “Soda Pop”.
