MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – At its annual developer conference, Google has proudly unveiled the numerous AIs it will be forcing into its products until some point in the not-too-distant future when every AI is quietly removed with no fanfare.
“Google has always been at the forefront of jumping on trendy techno bandwagons and then abandoning them either because our own version is terrible compared to existing products or because the technology itself has no utility,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “We look forward to doing the same with our cutting edge AI, which we are as excited about as we once were about Google+ and Google Glass.”
At the forefront of Google’s AI announcement is its redesigned search page featuring AI Overviews, which will condense Google search results into short, factually incorrect paragraphs that tell users to eat poisonous mushrooms or fill their gas tanks with sugar water. Once the inevitable lawsuits begin, Google is hoping enough lawyers will use Google’s Gemini AI to write court filings full of nonsense that the cases take twice as long as usual to go to trial.
Between the cost of the settlements and the lost revenue because at least half of Google users are expected to simply switch to a different search engine that actually shows them the websites they’re looking for instead of writing them error-ridden bespoke essays, Google will eventually be forced to remove all AI from its products because it can no longer afford to pay for the immense energy and water consumed by its AI data centers.
“We expect the entire process – from our flashy incorporation of AI into products that don’t need it and work better without it, to us unceremoniously dumping our AIs while trying to save face by pretending we’re doing it for the sake of programming sleekness or environmental concerns – to take five years,” Pichai explained. “But since we used our AI to compute that estimate, it is almost certainly wrong.”
At press time, Google was reassuring worried phone owners that while the mandatory AI features soon to be introduced to all Android phones will basically kill their batteries, that shouldn’t be an issue because there are outlets everywhere these days.
