TORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise history.
“Listen, we know that our prices have skyrocketed over the last several years for no real reason,” explained Galen Weston Jr. “Just like there is no reason for the Leafs high-powered offence to suddenly lose the ability to score more than 2 goals a game every spring, but we are where we are.”
“We want Canadians to know that there’s a chance that they may actually be able to feed their families without resorting to second and third jobs”, continued Weston Jr. “But, just in case the curse that causes the Leafs’ goalies to develop a specific kind of amnesia related exclusively to stopping pucks from going in the net behind them… Loblaws IS hiring”.
Loblaws reports that they considered other more attainable options for lowering prices, like a Leafs defenceman winning a Norris, the power play scoring more than twice in a series, or the team lasting more than 10 minutes in a playoff game before falling apart like a Boeing MAX737.
“I know we have a long-standing rivalry, but honestly I feel kinda bad about the prices so I’ve been doing my part to help”, explained Brad Marchand, Bruins Captain. “I even spent all of game 4 making dirty plays to catch a penalty, and even skating with my eyes closed, but the Leafs still wouldn’t capitalize!”
“I used to think the Toronto Maple Leafs sucked because they were just a crumbling façade of a once-great franchise. Now I realize… those fuckers are probably just hungry”.
At press time, Loblaws announced that they will immediately revert their stock to 1967 prices should the Leafs shock everyone by winning a cup.
