OTTAWA – Canada is in the midst of a severe productivity crisis, warns a report from Canada’s federal government, who also does jack shit.
“This is an issue that cannot be ignored,” said a spokesperson for Canada’s government, which has repeatedly ignored the housing crisis and ballooning cost of living for more than ten years.
The alarming study, which reports that the productivity of Canadian workers has remained at an all-time low for the past seven years was authored by the Bank of Canada, one of the seemingly countless organs of a sprawling government bureaucracy that also produces very little of value.
“We are taking this issue extremely seriously,” added the spokesperson. “That’s why we are immediately convening an exploratory committee on the tentative formation of a possible steering committee to oversee a special sub-committee of MPs to study this issue as soon as they come back from a multi-month recess, after which they will submit the study to the senate who will do…whatever they do…what do they do again?” the spokesperson trailed off.
The government also stated that they were exploring the idea of hiring a consulting firm, who specialize in doing nothing, referring the matter to the courts, which are currently backlogged to a standstill as a result of the government doing nothing to appoint judges, or relying on the expertise of Canada’s byzantine public service, who despite consuming a staggering amount of capital and human energy also seem to do very little.
Canada’s private sector also expressed concern. “Canada’s business leaders are shaken,” said one Senior Economist, which isn’t a real job.
According to another insider, many of Canada’s top CEOs met privately with senior bureaucrats from the Ministry of Finance to see what could be done to address flagging productivity, but the meeting was unproductive.
“Pretty much every large Canadian corporation is a government-enabled legacy oligopoly who has never had to really do anything to get where they are, so they didn’t have a ton of great thought starters,” admitted the insider, who asked to remain nameless. “Somebody did briefly mention the idea of raising wages, however that was quickly dismissed.”
At press time, the Prime Minister himself spoke on the issue. “Like many Canadians, I am deeply concerned about low productivity,” said a flawlessly-tanned Trudeau.
“Rest assured, we are working tirelessly to identify whose responsibility it is to figure out large systemic issues that apply to all of society. Once we figure that out, we will immediately send an email about it as soon as we finalize the new federal guidelines for .gc.ca email signatures to ensure proper bi-lingual balance, accessibility, and anti-oppressive typographic design.”
