VANCOUVER – Local genius and free thinker Andy Hammond is amped to spend the next several weeks reminding his American friends and relatives that the holiday they are about to celebrate in America is, in fact, the American version of that holiday.
“I know it’s pretty difficult for the average person to remember that they’re celebrating an event exclusive to the country they reside in”, explained Hammond, town brainiac and proud owner of three sets of Rick and Morty bed sheets.
“So, as someone whose unique intellect allows them to understand nuanced topics like region-specific holidays being specific to a specific region, I believe it is my civic duty to help out less fortunate normies who haven’t been graced with my ridiculously high IQ.”
A family member of Hammond claims that this great thinker already saved her holiday from the brink of disaster. “I was planning my Thanksgiving menu when Andrew heroically reminded me that Canadians celebrated their Thanksgiving a month ago”, explained Natalie Bridges, Andrew’s cousin and benefactor of his mind-blowing insight.
“And to think, I was planning to serve turkey, stuffing, and potatoes without making sure that they were different from the turkey, stuffing, and potatoes served on the wildly distinct Canadian version of this obviously American day!”
Hammond promised reporters that he plans to spend the next two weeks scrubbing Gordon Lightfoot songs out of holiday playlists, booby-trapping his stash of butter tarts, and ensuring that everyone’s family flag-football games intend to follow NFL rules.
In related news, the city of Kelowna announced plans to raise a statue commemorating the time that Hammond epically schooled a waitress for failing to pronounce the “u” in “Labour Day”.
