OTTAWA – In a bold legislative move to combat the ongoing rise in inflation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced he plans to declare the unavoidable byproduct of the modern monetary system illegal, which should pretty much take care of it.
“Canadians are hurting,” said Prime Minister Trudeau in his trademark generically emotive hoarse whisper. “That’s why my government has tabled comprehensive legislation that immediately and decisively says ‘hey inflation, go away, and just like, stop it, ok?’”
While the policy was scant on details, the government expressed optimism that the ban would put an immediate stop to the unstoppable climb of prices caused by an increased monetary supply.
Acknowledging critics who questioned the plan, Trudeau outlined his government’s impressive track record of using legislation to solve intractable, deeply systemic problems.
“Look at handguns, for instance,” said Trudeau. “We passed a law that said ‘whoa, you really shouldn’t have those,’ now there’s no more gun crime literally anywhere in Canada,” boasted the Prime Minister.
“Or look at the environment, we got together with some other countries and passed a law that said ‘climate change? Nope, none for us, thanks,’ so now that whole thing is fixed as well,” continued Trudeau.
“Even with residential schools, we passed a law in Parliament basically saying, ‘look, that was our bad’, so now that’s completely resolved too. Boy, this governing thing really is too easy,” concluded Trudeau before signing autographs for reporters.
“This is just another example of one of the most responsive governments in Canadian history,” said Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Finance Chrystia Freeland in a follow-up press conference.
“When Canadians were worried about the housing crisis, we passed a law saying we would ‘definitely seriously look into that more’. Or when Loblaws fixed the price of bread, we made a motion saying ‘hey, please don’t do that anymore,’ and they immediately started pricing groceries fairly to this day,” stated Freeland.
Freeland went on to outline additional measures the Liberal government plans to introduce in the coming year, including new laws that will make crime illegal, ban unemployment and set a minimum legal GDP.
“With enough laws, motions, policies, and orders-in-council, completely devoid of any degree of implementation or enforcement, truly anything is possible,” said Freeland.
When asked by one reporter if the ban on inflation would also mean a ban on skyrocketing interest rates, Bank of Canada Governor Tiff Macklem immediately announced another raise in interest rates.
