WASHINGTON, DC – As summer temperatures soar around the globe due to climate change, the world’s leaders announced they do indeed have a comprehensive plan in place to save themselves and absolutely nobody else.
The joint announcement was made by the leaders of the various G20 nations, assuring citizens that their leaders self-preservation was absolutely not in question.
“Climate change is real, and within just decades large parts of the planet will be rendered inhabitable for anybody who is not the leader of a first world nation,” explained US President Joe Biden, fresh off receiving cutting edge COVID treatments unavailable to the average American.
“The plan we have in place will ensure the survival of us heads of state, our immediate families, my dog Major, and possibly a couple of 5 star chefs if we get hungry,” Biden added. “To the rest of you, good luck I suppose!”
In the event of further inevitable climate instability, the elaborate plan will see the G20 leaders and chosen entourages relocated to the island nation of New Zealand. There they will enjoy the remaining habitable years on Earth in relative seclusion, far away from the sweltering masses who will be forced to deal with the consequences of decades of corporate pollution releasing fluorocarbons into the atmosphere.
“We are also going to tour some of the places where they shot Lord Of The Rings,” added German Chancellor Olaf Scholz.
Plans to save the lives of the planet’s ruling elite and that’s all have reportedly been underway for over a decade.
“There was a G20 conference where data about the effects of climate change finally became irrefutable,” explained Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “The other thing that was irrefutable was that it’d cost waaaay too much to reverse it, or to save everyone else on the planet. But for the 20 of us, give or take, that was doable.”
“I just want to thank my predecessor, the right honourable Stephen Harper,” added Trudeau, “first for helping to come up with this plan, and secondly for losing the 2015 election so that me and my family could survive the climate apocalypse.”
While the plan to relocate to the relatively remote New Zealand will preserve the lives of Earth’s rulers for a time, the heads of state assure their citizens that they are still looking to the future.
“Even though we will be safe for now, climate change is real and we must still look to the future,” noted Biden. “That’s why we’re taking bids! Elon, Bezos, Branson – the first one of you to build a non-exploding space ark for us gets to come along and drive the bus!”
