WOOD BUFFALO NATIONAL PARK, AB – Bird watchers are flocking to migratory hotspots across the country to witness the annual and literal fuckfest that is bird migration.
“I’m not a pervert,” insists Leonard Moleskin, crouched in a bush, wearing camouflage, binoculars in-hand. “Now please be quiet, or you’ll scare away the bird orgy.”
Every spring, thousands of sexual deviants from around the globe find their way to the Canadian north with the hope of seeing tired birds copulate. One amateur naturalist even set up a bath for the birds. “Hoping to get these dirty birds nice and wet before I get some candid shots,” says Sandy Bennett, who traveled from Phoenix, Arizona to catch a glimpse of birds “hollow-boning”.
In a shirt that reads ‘hornithologist’, Bennett says birding isn’t for prudes. “Folks think birders are a mild bunch, but I came to see birds fuck each others brains out. Then lay some fat eggs. I’m nasty.”
Bird watching, for the uninitiated, can be rather salacious in nature, as evidenced by the evocative birding vernacular heard around every corner of the woods this time of year, including but not limited to: fat hooters, fat cock, and fat corkscrew duck dick.
Park Warden Billy Munster has raised one concern, related to the birds’ privacy in the internet era. “Keeps me up at night… thinking of these sickos posting a video of our whooping cranes just railing each other. That shit ain’t right,” he says putting out his cigarette on the bottom of his boot.
As spring turns to summer, wardens at Wood Buffalo are now preparing to host a flood of tourists hoping to writhe in that garter snake sex spree you saw on BBC Life.
