WASHINGTON D.C. – Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has expressed frustration at an error in his leaked opinion on a pivotal abortion rights case in which he erroneously referred to women as “people”.
“How could such a humiliating mistake happen? ” the Justice reportedly yelled at a nearby clerk. “I will never hear the end of this at the next Federalist Society dinner.”
While reasons for the typo are unclear, it appears that the word was a placeholder intended to be filled in later with more legally appropriate language, such as “embryo steward”, “incubation chamber”, “female assistant”, “partially sentient womb”, or “MOTHER” (but in all caps to clarify that her parenthood is the only salient aspect of her humanity).
While pro-choice advocates are outraged by the decision, which if it goes into effect could legalize abortion bans in many Republican-controlled states, anti-abortion advocates are equally concerned by the precedent Alito’s language might set.
“Think of a woman as a noble husk of corn – when you take the husk away, the beautiful corn is revealed, just like the baby is revealed when you strip the woman away, “ Norbert Grimce of the evangelical anti-abortion group “Rights for Children Until they are Born and Not a Minute Longer” told reporters. “Do you let the husk decide if it wants to grow the baby-corn? Now we’re calling the baby-husk “people”? Is that what you want? Corn being allowed to be a person?”
Other groups express concern that referring to women as “people” could undo years of hard work to protect Americans from the rights of trans, gay, and other disenfranchised population.
Justice Alito was quick to clarify that the language of the decision will be corrected before it is officially announced. “If we allow women to run-roughshod over their bodies, we cannot protect ourselves from others doing the same. From things as disgusting as choosing not to have children, to as heinous as having sex with the same gender, to as abhorrent as voting, this could leave Americans at the mercy of other people having the authority to do things with their bodies that we don’t like.”
“Dammit! I said it again – I meant ‘unbelievers’, not people. Somebody get me a pen!”