Isla Nublar – After two novels and five movies in the series, Universal Pictures has announced that the upcoming film, Jurassic World Dominion will finally show what audiences have been waiting decades for, dinosaurs fucking.
“When you take over such an iconic series from visionaries such as Michael Crichton, you want to both honour what came before but also bring in something new,” said Jurassic World Dominion director Colin Trevorrow. “And the new thing I’m bringing is a stegosaurus getting railed by, then railing, a triceratops. For years people have been reading about dino sex on subreddits, in self published zines, but now it’s entering the mainstream. It’s kind of like how comic books became popular in the 2000’s. This is our Spider Man.”
Despite the film now receiving a NC-17 rating, Universal is planning for an unprecedented opening, betting on pent up demand for both the theatrical experience and explicit dinosaur sex after the COVID-19 pandemic. The studio ruled out a simultaneous home media release, insisting that if people want to see the prehistoric creatures have intercourse they will have to do so in a public theater.
“Finally a Hollywood movie that listens to the science and shows just how horny dinosaurs really were,” said paleontology professor and scientific advisor to the film Frank Jeggs. “Although if they were truly accurate the film would have been X rated. Raptors loved to rim.”
“I would have loved to show those big lizards bone, but the technology just wasn’t there in 1992,” stated Jurassic Park director Steven Spielberg. “We destroyed so many animatronics trying, and like four crew members died. Then we tried using computer generated imagery but it didn’t look real enough. The human eye intrinsically knows when it’s being fooled by fake dinosaur sex.”
The theme park Universal Studio Hollywood did update its Jurassic World: The Ride attraction to reflect the new movie, before it was shut down for violating several Los Angeles county vice laws.
