Experts admit world just going to have to learn to live with seasonal outbreaks of Vladimir Putin - The Beaverton
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Experts admit world just going to have to learn to live with seasonal outbreaks of Vladimir Putin

GENEVA – In a long expected admission by assembled health and safety representatives, citizens of countries across the world have been informed that we are all just going to have to endure regular, periodic outbreaks of Vladimir .

“At this point he has become endemic,” said Sven Thorhold, a professor of Health and Russian Studies at the University of Zurich, “while there were many early attempts to contain or prevent the spread of Putin and his hunger for power within certain nations, we now see those efforts as having been futile. I think we can expect to see a wave of Russian incursions almost every year, usually when the weather gets cold or when Putin feels insecure.”

National leaders continue to emphasize that the best protection against Putin is to socially distance yourself from him and other members of his close family/web of corrupt oligarchs. However, they acknowledge that Putin, like all infectious despots, does not abide by artificial constructs like national borders or “laws”. Members of the public are encouraged to continue to avoid large group settings like concerts or Eastern Europe.

“I’m not sure what the next strain of Putin will have in store for us: Angry? Remorseless? Gluttonous for the slow absorption of sovereign land to rebuild the USSR of yesteryear?” said Thorhold, “but one thing I am sure of is that at some point everyone is going to come into contact with him in some form”.

Political Scientists stress the need to recognize the symptoms of oncoming Putin, including chills, cold sweats, or the unshakeable feeling that you’ve just been disappeared by secret police. If you fear that Putin may be close by, especially if there is a local outbreak in your freely-held land, individuals are told to test their surroundings by asking “Are you Putin?” If the answer comes back affirmative, immediately quarantine yourself in a Siberian gulag, whether you like it or not.

“Look, I hear what politicians are saying but I’m still just not so sure I actually believe in the existence of ,” said Chuck Mumson, spokesperson for a notable group of American Putin-deniers, “I mean we all come into contact with minor world leaders a few times a year and walk away just fine. Apolitical people with no global awareness will all be just fine.” 

Thorhold concluded his statements with a caution to others, “We all initially thought Putin would only last a few weeks but he’s demonstrated remarkable staying power. I know it’s tempting to try to cast blame on someone else if you become impacted by a sudden surge of Vladimir Putin but we all need to remember that this is simply an unfortunate and unavoidable situation the whole world is just going to have to put up with. There’s really nothing anyone can do about this no one to blame.”

“You know, except for Putin himself. He’s for sure to blame,” he continued.