TORONTO – A recent study from the University of Toronto has confirmed that the majority of career criminals die without ever completing one last heist.
“This ground-breaking study followed two-thousand seasoned criminals attempting to retire while still expressing a wistful urge to pull off one last big job,” stated Dr. Perry Marudas, Head of the Department of Criminal Psychology. “Most were very willing to cooperate with our scientists; besides their efforts to reconnect with their estranged grandchildren or marry into legitimate families, they had very little going on.”
The lengthy study found that over 70% of the subjects died while still holding on to a tip from a corrupt cop about a bank security loophole or a set of blueprints to a major casino they had procured through a contact at the city planner’s office. Prior to dying, many admitted they regularly assembled “fantasy heist teams” in their spare time, jotting down which old lock-picking pal they would pair well with which hot new surveillance expert.
“Of the remaining 30%, half remain retired with no heist plans,” explained psychology PhD candidate Marissa Shuldberg. “Of course, not telling us about their heist plans could be part of their heist plans,” she mused, before jogging back to her lab to double-check she’d locked the door.
The other 15% were those who tried but failed to pull off their last job; scientists counted four last heists where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, two heists where the team was betrayed by a mole, and one instance of a crime boss contacting the seasoned criminal to let him know there is only ONE way to leave this business. An overwhelming 87% of subjects who attempted a last heist said they did so because it was personal this time.
“This study shows why we need pension plans for career criminals. They should get to enjoy their retirement plan to start a beachside coffee shop in Panama under an assumed identity, rather than working as bodyguards and bounty hunters while scrapbooking about their glorious criminal past,” Dr. Marudas said, shaking his head.
At press time, the team announced their next study looking into how many last big heists are recreated years later but with all women this time.
