OTTAWA – Following 9 days of sustained protesting the City of Ottawa declared a state of emergency Sunday night, pending the approval of the angry horde occupying the city core.
“The citizens of Ottawa are tired of this illegal occupation, and we will no longer stand for it,” said mayor Jim Watson late Sunday. “That is, provided we have the express permission of the people who have completely overtaken our city and are unquestionably in complete control.”
Watson added, “We could also discuss other options, if that’s what they would like. The ball’s entirely in your court, angry mob.”
Watson then averted his eyes before removing his mayoral sash and setting it on the ground, presumably as a gesture of supplication.
The so-called “Freedom Convoy” have spent the past week honking horns, publicly drinking, and harassing Ottawa residents. The proposed state of emergency will allow Ottawa to work more quickly managing essential services and procurement, provided the unruly mass of furious protestors, unvaccinated truckers, and outright white supremacists all say it’s alright.
Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly echoed the mayor’s sentiments. “Ottawa is currently under siege and occupied by an unlawful group, mostly because we did absolutely nothing to stop them at any juncture and, even if we tried, most of our frontline officers would defy orders and support the convoy.”
“I believe this state of emergency is necessary,” Slowly added, “and not just because the intoxicated crowd outside Police HQ have ordered me to put on a little pink tutu and do a dance for their amusement.”
“I have a good feeling they’ll let us have our state of emergency,” added Sloly before leaving to practice his pirouettes.
Asked whether they will grant the city’s polite request to declare a state of emergency, the assembled throng of protestors answered “BLAAAARRRGGGHHHH!”
In a related story, every other city in the country where protestors gathered this weekend have not had to declare any states of emergency at all.
