QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference to announce that he would be ending Ontario’s proof of vaccination system, Premier Ford clarified that he is not doing this to capitulate to the angry mob holding Ottawa’s streets hostage, but in fact to capitulate to his own anti-vaccine daughter, Krista, who kept asking.
“Folks, I’m not doing this because those protestors demanded it, even if I support their right to protest and remind them that their votes will count in this summer’s Ontario election,” Ford explained while winking. “I’m doing this because I have a well-documented history of putting my family’s whims before the needs and well-being of my constituents.”
“Or have you all forgotten when I aggressively hid my brother’s drug problem for years,” Ford added, citing the platform he famously ran for premier on in 2018.
Asked about vaccine logistics, the premier clarified. “Individual businesses and minimum wage employees are welcome to keep enforcing proof of vaccine, or at least welcome to try,” Ford continued. “Not gonna lie, these anti-vax convoy folks are pretty pumped up by today’s announcement, so good luck stopping them from forcing their way in.”
Ford continued, “Especially my darling little Krista. She was the captain of her lingerie football team, so have fun blocking her at the door of your Arby’s.”
“Speaking of Krista, I cannot wait to see the look on her little face when I tell her this good news,” Ford mused. “I love my little unvaccinated muffin so much, and changing provincial health policy will definitely make up for the time I didn’t buy her a pony when she was 8.”
Despite Ford’s insistence that he is caving to family as opposed to the hundreds of angry protestors who have ground Ottawa and Windsor’s Ambassador Bridge to a halt this month, many convoy members are still claiming victory.
“Sure, Dougie says he’s doing it for his daughter and her ex-cop husband, but remember, they’re part of our protest, so that counts as a win for us,” explained unvaccinated trucker Scott Longdon, of Calgary. “It’s like we always say, ‘where we go one, we go all’, which is a QANON thing, which we also believe. Thanks Krista and Doug!”
With vaccine passports set to officially end on March 1st, and capacity limits in restaurants, bars, cinemas and gyms lifting days early, Ford was blunt about where his allegiances lay.
“People claim that I’m secretly on the side of the convoy just because I disappeared to the cottage for two weeks of snowmobiling, ignored trilateral meetings, and lied about sending 1500 additional police to Ottawa,” Ford explained.
“Well to those people I say, I blew off work for family stuff ALSO. So there.”
