CALGARY – Local landscaper Peter Rugger announced today that his trusty BlackBerry device was killed in the line of duty after nearly twenty years of service and, tragically, with only one day left until its retirement.
“I was taking it out for one last workday – really a victory lap. Wanted it to feel the wind in its keys one last time as I slowly typed a stern email to my lazy millennial employees. But then my ex-wife’s lawyer tried to call me and that brave little BlackBerry took a dive out of my hand and into the toilet. Died on impact,” said Mr. Rugger, wiping away a single tear. “That phone’s never fallen out of my hand or belt holster once – not even when I threatened to throw it at a Starbucks barista who asked if I had Apple pay.”
“I know it sacrificed itself to save me,” added Mr. Rugger. “From having to pay the alimony I owe. That BlackBerry is – sorry, was a hero.”
BlackBerry Limited announced they would be ending service for devices using BB10 or the BlackBerry OS platform on January 4th, giving users time to transition to the proper smartphones their adult children begged them to accept for Christmas. CEO John Chen commented that “these old dogs needn’t learn any more new tricks, and by tricks I mean app compatibility.” He continued that he hopes the BlackBerries enjoy their hard-earned retirement and suggested they might take up hobbies such as being paperweights, taking up drawer space, or acting as working phones in community theatre productions.
BlackBerries are colloquially known as “hero phones” for their unflagging loyalty to their owners; the most famous BlackBerry smartphone protected Barack Obama during his 2008 presidential campaign from seeming too cool and with it. More recently, during the Spring 2021 Covid-19 wave, an upstanding BlackBerry saved Ontario Premier Doug Ford from being able to work from home or download useful attachments.
Colleagues of Mr. Rugger were saddened to hear of the demise of his veteran BlackBerry, with his assistant Meredith Bressett stating, “No one deserved a rest more than that phone; it must have been exhausted after barely protecting so much of Mr. Rugger’s sensitive personal information.”
“His BlackBerry had been looking wan since its last health scare, though, when Mr. Rugger accidentally fell for an email phishing scheme and I had to wipe the phone clean,” added Ms. Bressett. “I found… so much porn on it. I don’t want to suggest anything untoward about a hero’s demise, but maybe that phone felt like it had seen enough for one lifetime.”