Suspended Evander Kane says he’d have to throw at least 10 games to make up for lost wages - The Beaverton

Suspended Evander Kane says he’d have to throw at least 10 games to make up for lost wages

SAN JOSE – After being caught for forging his proof of vaccination, San Jose Sharks left winger says he would have to intentionally lose nearly a dozen games to make up for the $1.7 million for a 21 game suspension.

“I have really learned my lesson about taking COVID-19 protocols seriously,” said Kane in a press conference at a nearby casino. “This is a debt I could slowly repay with some missed open net shots and a few boarding penalties in a close game.”

“I’m looking forward to playing New Jersey with my team in November, which we will win by at least a 3 goals differential, I promise,” added a winking Kane.

The NHL Commissioner said he was forced to punish Kane unlike the traditional policy of turning a blind eye to his behaviour both on and off the ice.

“Although the NHL is sworn to protect players at all costs, except for their brains, we simply couldn’t accept a t-shirt that said ‘I survived 2020’ as proof of vaccination,” said Commissioner . “Unlike our previous investigations where we simply ask players if they have committed crimes or dismiss witnesses as being jilted ex-lovers, Mr. Kane could not outsmart our complete idiot investigators.”

While technically a crime in both Canada and the United States, Bettman assured the press there would be no real consequences for Kane for uttering a forged document.

At press time, Kane was arguing with a local pawn shop owner that his authentic 2019 San Jose Sharks Stanley Cup Champions ring was worth at least $400,000.