VANCOUVER — In response to the recent spate of coyote attacks in Stanley Park, the city of Vancouver debuted an action plan yesterday to humanely relocate the animals from the popular wilderness attraction to more affordable woodlands.
“Rather than an unsightly cull, the city will work to gradually increase the perceived livability of the park until the coyotes can simply no longer afford to remain in the area,” said a representative from City Hall. “With luck, the canines will depart for more reasonably priced residences in one of the neighbouring tri-cities. Surrey, probably.”
Urban wildlife specialist Raymond Bridwell was among the cadre of experts brought in to consult on the city’s ambitious new plan.
“One of the major difficulties we encountered was related to the urban food chain. You see, the coyote is an apex predator and we realized that to control its population we needed to introduce something that was more powerful, aggressive, and all-consuming. So naturally, we thought of the housing market.”
While the plan may take up to a year to fully enact, ground has been broken on an artisanal trash tasting room to replace the longstanding tipped over garbage cans and several local development companies have already secured contracts to convert the previous multi-family coyote dens into single animal artists lofts.
“Through these improvements, [the city] hopes to attract a more affluent demographic of animals to the area to replace the coyotes. Dolphins, peacocks, Andalusian horses and the like,” continued the city’s representative.
When asked if displacing native wildlife and replacing the park’s famed Hollow Tree with an antique wallpaper shop could cause irreparable damage to the local ecosystem, the city spokesperson assured reporters that such worries were baseless.
“Yes, we do expect there will be a readjustment period as animal demographics change but bear in mind this will only be a transitory stage. By late-stages of gentri-fur-cation, the entire park should be nothing but speculative investment properties and then there’ll be nothing living inside it at all.”
At press time, a local fucking moron had just uploaded an Instagram story of him attempting to hand-feed a Twix bar to one of the park’s newly-attracted white tigers.
