Canadians for Traditional Family Values, a conservative political group, has released a long-awaited statement giving their official position on how to address trans children.
“We’ve divided it up like this,” said Karen Walton, the group’s president. “If kids are in the 4-11 age range, then they’re clearly at a young, impressionable age, where they’re vulnerable to all those radical leftist parents who want nothing more than to see their prepubescent child undergo sex reassignment surgery against their will.”
“Then, of course, children who are older than that can’t be trans because trans people always know from a young age, like 4 or 5. Plus, the moment the children hit puberty around 11-13, they turn into bundles of raging hormones incapable of thought, so they’re probably just confused homosexuals,” she continued, blissfully ignorant of the existence of trans lesbians and gay trans men.
“Obviously, during those turbulent and emotional years, we don’t want kids doing anything that requires good judgement.” Walton instead urges teens to focus on the many available adolescent activities that don’t necessitate responsibility or maturity, like applying to university, volunteering as a lifeguard, and learning to drive.
The group has assured the public that dealing with trans people becomes easier once they reach adulthood.
“At that point, they are mature enough to articulate who they are and describe their experiences, which we must under no circumstances allow them to do, lest they persuade us to treat them with basic humanity,” Walton warned.
The group insists that they are not transphobic and believe trans kids do exist, but only if the child realizes they are trans, comes to terms with internalized transphobia, prepares for the stigma of being openly trans, and comes out, all within an acceptable window during which they have the maturity to understand their identity. They have identified this window as the first 13.8 seconds after midnight on the first full moon after the child’s 12th birthday.
Walton confirmed that any child who adheres to that schedule will immediately be villainized by the group for having rushed into being trans.
At press time, the conservatives who were denouncing the irreversible effects of hormone therapy remained unaware of the irreversible effects of suicide.