OTTAWA ― With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, the Canadian Civil Organization of Nerds (CanCON) has warned that the usual non-stop talk about the NHL will be met with swift retaliation this year.
“Whether you support the Winnipeg Something-or-others or the um, Iqaluit Whatchamacallits, know this: your war on stimulating conversations ends here and now,” said Simon Morton, Chief Nerd of CanCON. “Oh, and speaking of wars, did you know that Suriname’s civil war lasted from 1986 to 1992?”
The small South American country was chosen specifically for its obscurity, in the hopes that nerds can make hockey fans suffer the “playoffs pain” of being incessantly accosted with stats and names that are neither interesting nor useful. CanCON’s math division ran a thorough analysis and found that Surinamese history would maximize the boredom index, narrowly beating out advanced calculus and jackdaw anatomy.
The knowledge that the republic’s largest precolonial Indigenous tribe was the Arawak, that it was a Dutch colony until 1975, and that its capital city of Paramaribo has been divided into twelve jurisdictions since 1987 “will be drilled into the thick skull of every Habs aficionado, no matter how many Edmonton caps they wear,” a spokesnerd told reporters.
She then gave a withering glare to another CanCON interviewee, who had interrupted with “Montreal.” Her fellow representative immediately walked back his comment, asserting that he only cared about sports “from a purely mathematical perspective.”
Despite the pandemic, nerds are confident of their ability to bore hockey fans. “We’ve infiltrated all areas of society. Whether it’s an outdoor chat with a friend or a work Zoom call, we WILL find you and inform you that Suriname recorded its first Covid death on April 3rd,” Morton posted to Facebook.
At press time, the nerds had decided to just move to Suriname instead after hockey fans began talking even louder.
