ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally take off their facemasks, and immediately replace them with child-sized bulletproof vests.
“We understand that this has been a very difficult couple of years for school-aged children, and that masking and distancing regulations have left a lot of children feeling like they’re missing out on human connection,” said Dr. Linda Dreyfus, acting as a spokesperson for the CDC. “We’re thrilled that young people will have opportunities to experience real, intense human connections again, mostly as they’re huddled together under their desks during lockdown drills, staring into each other’s frightened, unmasked faces and wondering if each breath they draw will be their last.”
Teachers and parents across America have voiced support for the CDC announcement, with many commenting that it’s time to “get back to normal.”
“We understand that masks were necessary to slow the spread of a serious illness, but it’s a slippery slope,” said Laura Barnes, a third-grade teacher whose job duties include attempting to bludgeon an active gunman with her classroom fire extinguisher in the event of a shooting. “If we care too much about keeping children safe from a virus at school, we might also have to care about keeping children safe from being gunned down by a homicidal stranger in fourth-grade geography class. And that’s just not what America is about.”
“Plus, they look so gosh-darn cute in all their little tactical Kevlar gear. They even make pink vests for the girls now!”
Principals across America have informed parents that students who wish to continue wearing masks will be free to do so, but in the interests of getting back to a normal school experience, masks will have to be placed in students’ mandatory clear backpacks while they walk through school metal detectors.