TORONTO – In the wake of a disastrous vaccine rollout and an out-of-control third wave of coronavirus, desperate Ontarians have sought out leadership by beaming the Bat Signal into the night sky, in the hopes that maybe Batman might want to stab at fixing things.
“I know it seems like a long shot,” said city councilor Nick Mantas of Scarborough-Agincourt as he swept the bat-shaped searchlight back and forth over the Toronto skyline. “But we’re out of options. Our public health guidelines look like they were written by the Riddler, our hospitals look like they’ve just been blown up by the Joker, and the vaccine website is harder to figure out than grown women’s desire to emulate Harley Quinn. We might as well ask Batman for help. Frankly, we’ve got to do something, or we’ll all be as dead as Jared Leto’s career.”
“Staking our family’s lives and financial well-being on a fictional comic book character may seem crazy, but when you think about it, so is trusting Doug Ford.”
Bruce “I’m Batman” Wayne reported that he had seen the city’s distress signal and was seriously considering stepping in.
“I mean, on the one hand, I have no formal training in epidemiology, virology, logistics, medicine, public health, immunology or web design,” he said, speaking from an outdoor restaurant patio in Gotham, where double vaccination rates are rapidly approaching 70%. “On the other hand, neither does Doug Ford, and if you’re going to put your trust in a clueless rich man who spends a lot of time with petty criminals, it might as well be the one who looks good in rubber.”
At press time, Ontarians were blasting whale songs at the Humber river, in the hopes that Aquaman might flop out of the water to set up a functional vaccine appointment website.