TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end mall remains open specifically for emergency pandemic luxury goods and services.
“Folks, when I announced this emergency brake shutdown we were in a serious crisis. Just like it’d be a serious crisis if any hard-working Ontarians ran out of Jimmy Choo shoes or Bottega Veneta handbags during this difficult time,” Ford explained.
While Ford’s shutdown primarily closed small retailers and independent stores, he has remained firm that “essential services like Cartier will remain open, doing the Lord’s work.” Asked whether he thought the crowds represented a health concern during the third wave of a pandemic, Ford replied that he also saw “several young people outside on a patio last week”, and that they were likely responsible for the surge in numbers.
As to the viral video depicting packed crowds in the shopping mall, Ford had harsh words. “How dare they film these salt of the earth taxpayers who are just trying to stockpile enough TAG Heuer watches for their families to get by?”
Regarding the more low end Yorkdale services, Ford was insistent that the mall’s stores were essential. “What, are people supposed to buy video games and Disney merchandise on a computer, like some kind of four-eyed nerd? Bogus.” Ford then further reassured concerned Ontarians that anyone shopping at Yorkdale Mall likely already purchased their vaccine ahead of the queue.
Ford added, “Also, I saw a lot of store employees in that video who couldn’t afford not to go to their jobs – why aren’t the woke cancel culture elitists coming for them? Sounds like a double standard to me.”
With over 3,300 new COVID cases reported in Ontario, many have questioned Ford’s designation of Dior, Nordstrom, and the Cheesecake Factory as essential services. However, Premier Ford insists that he is open to hearing Ontarians’ concerns.
“If people think I’m making the wrong decision, they’re welcome to come up and talk to me while I’m out shopping for new Rolexes at Raffi Jewelers. Or better yet, try steering thousands in donations to my re-election campaign, which will definitely get me on the phone right away.”
At press time Yorkdale shoppers are being informed that valet parking currently comes with complimentary COVID exposure.
