WASHINGTON – The United States Department of Education has announced plans to revamp the sexual education curriculum by adding clips of the newly released Regency-era period drama from Shondaland.
“We’ve heard the clamouring for improved sexual education and we’ve finally found just the thing to bring us the modernity the people have called for,” said a blushing Mick Zais, new Secretary of Education, referring to a show set in the 19th century in which adult women are chastised for inquiring about the origins of pregnancy.
According to the team responsible for the change, the series perfectly models the trajectory they hope any American girl would follow: being led to believe child-bearing is exclusively a direct result of marriage, receiving a rushed and extremely vague sex talk filled with awkward metaphors from their mothers on their wedding day, asking their husbands of three days whether ejaculation is painful, and finally running through the many levels of a decadent palace to beg their maids to explain the ins-and-outs of conception.
“We believe our young women can learn so much from this production,” added Zais, “like the important lesson that they should masturbate only if a man grants them tutelage and permission. Not to mention the fact that tasteful string covers of pop songs make the best sex tracks, that relations should amount to no more than a two-minute montage, and that a true lady always keeps her titties stacked.”
Other aspects of the series rumoured to have appealed to the American sensibility include a romanticized, hand-wavy solution to racism, a shoddy understanding of consent, and the notion that men should also receive no formal sex education but be encouraged to gain direct experience with young women whose honour they discount and besmirch.