WASHINGTON D.C. – After getting himself permanently banned from social media sites including Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, President Donald J. Trump reportedly spent the entire weekend “just going fucking ballistsic” on the popular graphic microblogging website Tumblr.
“Once he created an account, he immediately started just going to town,” explained Tumblr CEO Jeff D’Onofrio. The site, which mainly features emotional posts by teenagers and image-heavy fandom communities, proved to be one of the social media sites that had not blocked President Trump in the wake of his incitement of last week’s violence on Capitol Hill.
“Frankly, it never even occurred to us that we would ever need to block the President of the United States, especially since we banned pornography,” explained a baffled D’Onofrio. “But as soon as Trump finished setting up his page layout and font choices, he just let everybody fucking have it.”
“The way he was ranting, you’d think someone just peed in his ballpit,” D’Onofrio insisted.
Reports from within the White House indicate that a visibly enraged Trump demanded his aides set up a Tumblr page, after learning that he had been blocked from all major social media sites, as well as lesser-known sites like Pinterest and Discord.
Said one visibly rattled staffer, “The President had a lot of opinions on his mind that would normally be posted on Twitter, and with no other outlet, he was forced to go completely batshit nuclear on his new Tumblr account. Also, can you help me find any other job, please?”
In posts that pundits described as “unhinged even for him”, Trump spent the entire weekend using Tumblr to compose expletive-laden attacks on Democrats, Republicans, Mike Pence, the state of Georgia, the mainstream media, social media, Fox News, the 25th Amendment, and “insufficiently baggy suits”.
“Jesus H. Christ” said an accompanying note on one of Trump’s all caps missives. “This site is usually for people who are a bit extra, but this is terrifying even by regular Tumblr standards.”
Reports indicate that Trump soon found himself growing accustomed to Tumblr culture, embedding his angry political tirades with Sherlock gifs and even some My Chemical Romance song lyrics. A huge fan of conspiracy theories, Trump briefly got really into the Johnlock Conspiracy, though indicated “even that one was a bit too far fetched”.
“At first he was just writing terrifying stuff about demanding his followers burn down Washington,” explained longtime Tumblr user Forests Of Poetry, “But then he channeled that same apocalyptic rage into Supernatural fandom, and became a pretty prominent Destiel shipper overnight.”
“Trump was even furious when he found out about Castiel’s gay Super Hell ending – but he can’t let his evangelical supporters know.”
At press time, with reports of Tumblr planning to ban the President, Trump was last seen ordering sons Don Jr. and Eric to “hurry up” tying his tweets to carrier pigeons.
