WASHINGTON, DC – Following yesterday’s attempted coup, U.S. President Donald Trump has released a video message asking his supporters to stand down and adding that “he’ll love them forever, the little dears.”
“I know your pain. I know you’re hurt. I know none of us had our naps today, so we’re a bit cranky,” Trump said in the video, projecting a warmth unfamiliar to even his children. “Even though I’m asking you to back off, I want you to know – I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m president, my vicious mob you’ll be.”
Since Trump posted the video on his Parler account, there have been reports of the president sneaking into the bedrooms of his most violent supporters and telling them they’re very special while rocking them to sleep in their army-camo pajamas
In accordance with the gentle bedtime tone of Trump’s message, police in Washington D.C. last night were seen gently bustling the remaining rioters off to bed, asking if they need warm milk or an extra blanket. Witnesses heard one member of the National Guard say, “Get along, you scamps!” while chuckling amiably as the last few stragglers toddled off to sleepy-time with their teddy bears, assault rifles, and completely clean criminal records.
One of yesterday’s rioters, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being banned from Facebook for 12 hours, defended the president’s comments. “Some may find these words infantilizing, but it’s nice to know he’ll always love us – even when we make whoopsies and uh-ohs.”
However, political experts are saying this could be a cunning strategy. “Trump may think the more he loves his supporters when they do messy treasons, the more they’ll someday break into his jail cell and gently cradle him to sleep,” says one CNN analyst. “It’s kind of beautiful,” he adds, wiping away a tear; “I always cry at the end. Of attempted coups.”
When asked if Trump will put out any more video messages, one of his staffers replied, “Nah, as long as he doesn’t get ahold of Goodnight Moon, we’ll be fine.”