TORONTO – After listening to a coworker explain a simple solution to a tax problem yesterday, accountant Jim Barnes was overheard confidently shooting down the advice and declaring “Listen, this ain’t my first rodeo!” despite never having ridden, seen, or even met a cow in real life.
“I practically invented that solution. Why? Because I’m the kinda employee who takes the bull by the horns,” Barnes boasted, shamefully unaware that in a traditional rodeo, touching the bull with your hands would immediately disqualify you from the competition.
“I can do that kinda stuff ‘til the cows come home!” he added, ignoring the fact that he has no idea where cows live.
Barnes’ long-suffering wife Martha asserted that this wasn’t the first time her husband had made the rodeo claim, despite his complete physical inability to rope a calf, race around barrels on a horse, or properly tie a lasso.
“I mean, we live in Toronto, for Christ’s sake,” Martha exclaimed. “Where would he have even seen a cow? Or a farm? I once asked him if he knew what a rodeo was, and he muttered something about Rhode Island and then immediately changed the subject. Hell, just yesterday I overheard him telling our three-year-old son about how cows go ‘oink’ while reading him a bedtime story.”
“All I’m saying is, if you’re going to go around saying things like ‘don’t have a cow, Martha’ all the time, you should at least be able to pick one out of a lineup.”
Timothy McCormack, Barnes’ boss and an avid rodeo enthusiast, expressed his doubts about his employee’s workplace performance after learning about his complete lack of experience with basic rodeo etiquette.
“Sure, he calls himself a team player, but can he successfully participate in a team roping challenge? Judging by his dismal performance in the company tug-of-war last summer, I highly doubt it.”
Barnes was last heard exclaiming that he’d meet a cow “when pigs fly,” even though, when pressed, he was unable to say whether or not they actually could.
