BELLEVILLE, ON – Belleville Police have reported that Rudolph the Reindeer (recognizable from his trademark glowing red nose) has been found dead in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart. Police have taken 3 other reindeer, Dancer, Prancer, and Comet, into custody under suspicion of foul play.
“The thing is – when they say that ‘all the reindeer loved him,’ they don’t mean it literally. We sort of just loved the service he provided. Kinda like the way you love your Uber eats delivery driver. That being said, none of us would intentionally hurt him,” said Vixen, a fellow reindeer and Rudolph’s former lover. “He was a Trump supporter though. That was kind of weird.”
The other reindeer on the scene report that they were simply playing a reindeer game – a usual way to pass the time for the 364 days of the year when the reindeer face perpetual unemployment. However, due to social gathering restrictions placed on the north pole, the reindeer took their games to a remote location. “No one goes to Belleville. I don’t think there’s a single child here on the Nice List, so we’ve barely been. It’s just a stretch of darkness so we thought we’d be safe,” explained Cupid, clearly shaken by the day’s events.
The news has already spread through most of the world with many mourning the death of the beloved leader of Santa’s sleigh, with many suffering through stop motion animation to honour his memory. When approached for comment, Santa Clause reportedly seemed blasé about the whole ordeal, saying “It’s about time we switched to headlights anyway, it’s 2020 and I’m 3000 years old operating a vehicle.”
Rudolph was pronounced dead on the scene at 27 reindeer-years old, making him the newest member of the 27 club that includes the likes of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Mac Miller.